4 Steps to Setting Boundaries
It's no secret that Black Women are often expected to do more, offer more, and sacrifice more at no benefit to themselves. This is evidenced in the way mothers are expected to be the backbone of the family, and daughters are expected to be the runner-up for the role. It is evidenced in bosses casually increasing our workloads without increasing our pay in the same casual manner. Its evidenced in the silencing of the struggles experienced uniquely by Black Women because we are black and women and that places us in two marginalized groups. From our families and peers to our work environment, Black Women are expected to suspend all self-care and mental wellbeing at the drop of a hat to tend to our responsibilities because we're apparently so much stronger than everyone else.
This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries help us maintain our sense of self so that we can thrive in healthy relationships. My favorite explanation of boundaries was done in an article by Nneka M. Okona where they stated:
“Setting boundaries is a method of informing those around you how to treat you, how to care for you, how to interact with you in a way that is nurturing, fulfilling, and makes you feel safe. It isn’t about forming a tight fence around your inner being. It is about ensuring you feel free enough to be yourself, in totality, with those you bond with, and interactions are healthy, reciprocal, and beneficial. And also that your values are acknowledged, honored and respected.”
Boundaries are the bridge that allows you and another person to meet without harm being enacted or going unchecked. Harm can be done unintentionally in which case, clear communication about what your boundary is and how they crossed is necessary.
1. Reframe and Define
Chances are if you haven't yet established your boundaries it's because of fear of hurting the person and losing them or your standing with them in the process. However, if they feel okay with consistently violating that boundary it can and will put a strain on your relationship with the person because ultimately you are being hurt when in their presence.
Try this exercise:
Get a piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Within the circle, write down all the things you want to have the freedom to feel within your friendships, your family relationships, and with your peers, until you have no more space inside the circle.
Now on the outside of the circle, write down all of the behaviors, words, attitudes, and reactions that you feel prevent you from having an authentic relationship with the people currently in your life.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you see that what is inside the circle is the ability to have safe and healthy relationships and outside the circle are the ways in which you are currently prevented from feeling safe with your loved ones and peers.
2. Communicate
If you’ve tried the exercise hopefully you have a clearer picture of the things that have prevented you from feeling safe in your relationships. Now you can begin learning to communicate that you don't appreciate those words, experiences, or actions.
But what words do I say?
There are a couple of ways to communicate your boundaries and whichever you choose depends on you.
Strategy #1 State the problem as soon as it happens
Here are some sentence starters:
“I didn't like when you… It made me feel…”
“I am feeling… don't do/say that again to me”
“I don't feel comfortable… with you when you… so I would prefer if you…”
These sentence starters make your boundaries about you and the effect their violation had on you rather than pointing the finger. However, there are those who may feel attacked when you set your boundary. They are entitled to their feelings just as you are but that does not mean you should compromise your boundary to make them feel better.
Strategy #2 communicate your boundaries by phone
While you still may have to see the person in person, if you are someone who has trouble getting a word in when you have tried to set boundaries in the past, or if you simply feel unsafe communicating your boundary in front of the person. Send a text communicating what your boundary is, how they are currently violating your boundary, and why you felt you couldn't say this in person.
3. Maintain your boundaries
You maintain your boundaries by enforcing them when there is a need to, and by also remembering who you’ve set boundaries with before then remaining clear about those boundaries.
That means if you have communicated with your ex that you don't want to speak to them again because they hurt you, you don't speak to them again and you remind yourself of the personal boundaries you violate by going back to speaking with them.
Now that example was specific but if you are someone who chooses to give the person a chance to enter your space again, start a conversation about what your boundaries currently are and ask them about their boundaries and work together to create a safe space but be firm. Don't allow the same boundaries they toyed with before to be toyed with again.
4. Be willing to set consequences for violated boundaries
Before I get into step 4, I’d like to be clear that boundaries are about you, not about controlling the actions of another. So when discussing the consequences of your boundaries, be clear on how your boundaries protect you the first time.
Here are some ways to communicate the consequences of your boundaries:
If you can't respect [boundary], I can no longer give you my [time/friendship/advice/etc].
I feel that I was clear I had a boundary surrounding [state boundary] that you haven't respected and I need space for [communicate time frame or state that you don't know how long you’ll need space].
We discussed [boundary] and I haven't felt like you attempted to respect [boundary] since our discussion so [communicate consequence].
Remember that boundaries both protect you from harm and give you the freedom to exist as your full self so when setting boundaries regarding things like your time and your peace remember what happens without that time to yourself or without the presence of peace.
Setting boundaries won’t always be easy, especially with friends or family who either weren't aware or were simply used to violating that boundary. Explain how what they said or did makes you feel and ask them not to do it again. Even if they didn't intend on making you uncomfortable, you were. Communicate that and then go from there. You got this!
For more help with boundary setting and personal development, book a coaching session!